


Clara Oswald’s All-Purpose Cue Cards For Every Occasion

by TheSaddleman



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Humor, Love Confessions, Spoilers for Episode s09e04: Before the Flood, hints of romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 13:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6909694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSaddleman/pseuds/TheSaddleman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clara Oswald's cue cards had backfired when the Doctor tried to use them at The Drum. So she gives him a new set to try. But she has an agenda...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clara Oswald’s All-Purpose Cue Cards For Every Occasion

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set soon after the events of "Before the Flood."

The Doctor sat in his armchair in the TARDIS and scowled.

Then he looked at the index cards in his hand and scowled some more.

“What if I don’t want to?” he said, moodily.

Clara crossed her arms and glared at him and went into full schoolteacher mode. “Now, behave. You know as well as I do these cards are supposed to make it easier for you to interact with people without ticking them off or getting you or, worse, me killed. But you made a fool of yourself at The Drum and I’m going to make sure you never do that again.”

Oh, yeah, The Drum. It had been the first time the Doctor had test-driven _Clara Oswald’s All-Purpose Cue Cards For Every Occasion._ He got the sneaking suspicion that she’d planned to market them across the galaxy; when she’d said the name, _Clara Oswald’s All-Purpose Cue Cards for Every Occasion_ , he could almost hear the trademark symbol. 

The cards were generic responses for the Doctor to read out in socially awkward situations. The type of experience like when you get into a sugar rush-like frenzy over the possibility of ghosts being real, forgetting that some of these “ghosts” were actually the friends and colleagues of personnel stranded in an underwater mining facility. At The Drum, Clara had passed him a card of condolence, which he proceeded to bollix up by reading all the options available, which sort of spoiled the effect.

OK, the two had shared a guilty giggle about it later, but Clara said she’d felt like sinking into the sediment at the time. So _Clara Oswald’s All-Purpose Cue Cards For Every Occasion 2.0_ were introduced. And this time Clara was going to make the Doctor read every last one of them and get to know them by heart before he had to use any of them for real.

The Doctor scoffed at Clara and she scoffed back. “Yes, Miss Oswald,” he mumbled.

The first few cards were familiar to him as they were the same as the previous set. The very first one was an apology for leaving someone in the incorrect city.

“Clara, how did you find out about me accidentally leaving Sarah Jane in Aberdeen, anyway?”

Clara put a finger alongside her nose in her best impersonation of a member of a secret society (which, technically, she was). “That would be telling.”

“And this second card: _No one will be exterminated, turned into jelly, etc._ You forgot about being turned into zombie bunny rabbits. That used to happen _aaaalll_ the time.”

“Read!”

“Yes, Miss Oswald.”

Some of the new cards actually made sense. _I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. Do you need someone to talk to?_ was actually one he could have used a few times. _Where are the children?_ was one that actually insulted the Doctor slightly — he knew it was just Clara being thorough, but there was no bloody way he’d forget to ask something like that.

_I know, I should have listened to her … My companion is always right._ — “Clara, are you sure there isn’t some agenda happening here?”

“Read!”

“Yes, Miss Oswald.”

_Don’t worry, it’s supposed to taste like that._ — “I think this card belongs to you, you know — to hand out with one of your soufflés.”

“Doctor…” Clara said, menacingly.

_I’m sorry, the sonic only has one setting._ — “What the hell does that even mean?” he asked as Clara snickered.

_You may want to sit down before I tell you this. (Note: wait for them to actually sit down before telling them the bad news.)_

_I’m not always angry with you. It’s just the eyebrows._

_It’s called Scottish._

_I’m sorry I vaporized your fine china/car/garden gnome/TV/etc._

_I’m sorry I threatened to hit you with my shoe._

_I’m sorry I actually hit you with my shoe._

_He/she/it was already dead when I got here._ — “I should get that one tattooed on my forehead.”

_It’s called psychic paper for a reason. It’s not my fault you see dirty pictures. Get help._

_No, I'm not giving you her phone number._ — “Honest, Clara, I thought he really was just interested in your soufflé recipe. I didn't even think Alpha Centaurians were, uh, interested in such things.”

"Read!"

"Yes, Miss Oswald."

_No, I won't tell you who survives the last season of Game of Thrones._

_On my world, pudding brain is a term of endearment._

_I’m sorry, I should have known that jelly babies are not a staple food of (INSERT PLANET NAME HERE)._

And so the Doctor worked his way down the stack, occasionally offering editorial comment. Clara paced back and forth, expectantly. 

“You better not be giving me a test after, Teach.”

“Read!”

“Yes, Miss Oswald.

There were two final cards in the stack. The Doctor glanced over to Clara and noticed that she was looking intently at him and actually seemed to be nibbling on the tips of the index and ring finger of her right hand. She rarely got nervous these days, the Doctor thought. I wonder why now?

He glanced at the penultimate card.

_There is no point wasting time because things happen and then it’s too late._

This one puzzled the Doctor. The words sounded familiar. But on their own they made little sense. Why would I say…

He flipped to the final card. He read it silently.

_Tell her that you’re in love with her and that you always have been._

The Doctor frowned, uncertain. He looked over at Clara, who was leaning back against the console, looking down.

Clara didn’t look up as she said, in a near-whisper, “It’s just … You never know when that might come in handy. And you don’t want to leave things too late.”

The Doctor nodded. “No, you don’t.”

He put the cards down on the table and came down to stand next to Clara at the console. She reached her arms around the Doctor and gave him a squeeze. The Doctor used to hate hugging. Actually, he _still_ hated hugging. Unless it was Clara. Then it was all right.

“Clara, thank you,” he said. “I’m sure those cards will be very useful.” He lowered his eyes. “Like that last one.”

Clara looked up at him.

“Someday,” he quickly added.

Clara’s smile drooped a little, but not enough for the Doctor to notice. 

“Someday,” she repeated with a nod.

The Doctor flipped the big lever that set the TARDIS on a new course. Maybe to a place where one of _Clara Oswald’s All-Purpose Cue Cards For Every Occasion_ might come in useful. 

But the Doctor made sure to keep that final card at the top of the deck. Someday, he might need it. You never know.

**Author's Note:**

> The last two cards are from dialogue heard toward the end of Toby Whithouse's "Before the Flood".
> 
> The sonic settings gag is borrowed from Steven Moffat's Curse of Fatal Death spoof. 
> 
> It's a shame the Doctor never got round to using that top card...
> 
> PS. I'm aware the term I use to refer to the cards differs from others who use terms such as "prompt cards" or even "flash cards" but "cue card" - even though it's more associated with the large cards used to prompt people speaking on stage - worked best in this context.


End file.
